How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
