Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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