i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
