Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
