Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
