no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
