Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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