i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
