I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dignity is for republicans.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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