During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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