yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
dude. I can hear the air.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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