Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
