I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
