i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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