I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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