Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
