Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
