i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
