is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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