apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
