Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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