You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
