I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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