Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The uberlube is also flammable
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
