If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's always time for handjobs
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
