I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
