soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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