Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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