Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i out mim tonsoeep
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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