I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
