There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
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life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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