You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize