Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
