I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
