and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
