i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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