there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
