I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
