Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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