i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
