my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
