The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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