Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm way too hungover for life right now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
