my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.