fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
