I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
