i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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