dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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