Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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