Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
