Need sex. Gaining weight.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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