So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
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I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
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I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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