You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
