And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize